Grant Holt scored twice at the weekend to see off Wolves, but nationally he is still somewhat of an irrelevance.
The cult of Grant Holt, the portly former non-league Norwich City forward, is much like the city he plays in: provincial and retarded. Holt has adapted exceptionally well to the challenges of Premier League football, making a similarly seamless step up to the top flight as he did to Championship football following the Canaries’ promotion in 2010.
However, the cult surrounding his modest debut season in the “greatest league in the world” is enough to provoke an intense vomiting fit. Holt is no superstar. Nor is he supremely talented. Holt’s game relies on intense physicality, the skewing of the spirit of the game to the maximum extent permissible, usually based on the referee’s inability to adhere to the rulebook, and opportunism. Now, you wouldn’t build a shrine to Dave because he managed to get a senior managerial job at EDF Energy immediately after quitting the humdrum of installing Virgin Media aerials, would you?
Of course not. You’d applaud, without veneration. Appreciate, without hero worship. Norwich is rather cut off, it must be said, and my love for the city in which I live cannot prevent me from acknowledging that a number of the stereotypes held about it at national level are indeed true. However, the cult of Holt is the worst “quirk” of all. To think that thousands of children, from Thorpe St. Andrew to Unthank Road, are learning that latent aggression and play-acting, accompanied by excessive physicality, are fair means by which to defeat your opponents, is quite saddening.
However, it is not the worst problem of all. The major difficulty with such a pervasive and widely-acknowledged cult is that, unfortunately, it will never die out. Norwich residents may dream of the day when they will cease to be stigmatised by Alan Partridge re-runs and somewhat unfair images of toothless, seven fingered simpletons, but with even Match of the Day running the most patronising and insulting previews of Canaries home games, how long can the tourist board permit this aberration to carry on?
Not long. So here is my advice, a solution, from 100 miles down the A11, and a city where we only worry about gun crime, teenage pregnancies and inner-city deprivation, plus Boris Johnson’s tendency to implode on the international stage. Ditch the No. 9 shirts, stop tweeting “Holt for England”, remember you have other forwards too (poor Steve Morison and Simeon Jackson), and start laughing at Delia’s drunken social awkwardness rather than lapping up a handful of goals from a former Shrewsbury Town heavyweight. Then, perhaps, we’ll all be able to take a step back and appreciate the incredible transition Holt has made from non-league to the top flight, without looking any less of a complete forward at any point on this remarkable journey.
The Holt debate has recently emerged at national level, with the European Championships beckoning.
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“[insert successful modern footballer’s name here]’s game relies on intense physicality, the skewing of the spirit of the game to the maximum extent permissible, usually based on the referee’s inability to adhere to the rulebook, and opportunism.” Discuss.
You’ve clearly never been to Norwich. If you think it is some backward, redneck infested, cesspool of rural misfits then you are simply wrong. It has not earned the label of “the fine city” for no reason. In comparison to most places in the country I would say it is a lazy historic city full of middle class horsey types. Bringing up Alan Partridge you seem to think you are on to something, Delias drunken antics again and apparently we don’t worship our other strikers, funny since my favourite Norwich player is Simeon Jackson. I don’t jump into the whole holt for england nonsense mind you. However, I might if I though I had some reason to follow England, seeing as he is a top scoring englishman and scoring goals is scoring goals just look at Wayne Rooney – hardly a world class player in comparison to others – but blindly worshipped in a cult not to different from the one you have mentioned here – I wont be surprised if you take issue to that but then again it seems you support England. You are of course entitled to your opinion but journalism has a little more skill than just being able to come up with a few words you don’t understand and hoping you sound clever. It sounds like where you come from has a few more problems than a “provincial and retarded” Norwich. Haha, back to school for you young man, may I suggest a new hobby?
Dear reader,
Firstly I would just like to say that this article doesn’t reflect the views of the Armchair Pundits and is the responsibility of myself, not the site.
In response to your comment, I would like to state that I have lived in Norwich for nearly four years now, and the comment that has affronted you was clearly a joke. In fact, were it not for the cost of doing so and greater employment opportunities in London, I would happily continue living in Norwich. A city that is, as you say, “fine”.
Likewise, the references to Delia and Alan Partridge are not intended in a serious way. In fact I think the stigmatisation of Norwich in the national media is a problem, as are the attitudes which persist in other parts of the country.
Perhaps it is lost on you somewhat, as I need to return to school in your view, but the irony of using a stereotypical Londoner’s view of Norwich in this article was intentional, and won’t be lost on most people.
I wouldn’t quite say that there is such a cult around Wayne Rooney, in terms of the England team, however, the press’ attitude towards our national side is disgraceful and repeats the same nauseating pattern tournament after tournament. Build up the chances of a mediocre, at least comparatively, group of players before lambasting said group when it inevitably fails to live up to the impossible expectation heaped on it by the media itself.
In terms of your somewhat snide reference to me coming up with a few words I, quote, “don’t understand” in the hope of sounding clever, I achieved a First Class honours degree in Modern History from the University of East Anglia, in this very city. Unless of course you believe UEA to be a second rate institution?
Also, as for a “new hobby”, I am currently a newspaper editor-in-chief, I write for about five different websites, and I have sports editing experience, as well as a portfolio bigger than your intellect.
Kind regards,
Chris
Not meaning to sound biased, I am a Norwich fan, a pure Norwich City Football Club fan and I couldn’t disagree with you more! Grant Holt is an exceptional player, he just proves that there is hope for every premier league striker! Look at Emerson Boyce for instance he scored twice today (13/5/12) and he is no famous, superstar striker! Grant Holt is just like any other Premier league striker, just fatter! And that doesn’t matter, he scores goals, and Norwich are staying up!
Just like to say hello to Rob as I know him :’)
Yours Truly,
Ed Killin 13 year old Norwich Fan